a fifo wife {sunday ponderings: to tell you the truth}

Its Sunday. I tried to lay in bed like I want to like Sundays are meant for like I do when husband is home. I’m tired but I have slept all night. It didnt happen the lying in bed part. I had two pulling at my arms and another at the bed covers. Get up mum.

I got up made breakfast as command porridge for two (to which they didn’t eat) and weetbix and sugar to whom didn’t wash up. I precede to just sit in the lounge. Watching the news. Wanting to do nothing.

I know whats coming next if I don’t really really get my crap together. I do. I don’t want to admit it but I do. I know I do because I dreamt of him last night like I always do when that horrible black shadow is just up the street and around the corner. By him I don’t mean my husband I mean my ex-boyfriend. Its seems odd calling him that..ex boyfriend. He hasn’t been in my life for almost thirteen years now. Its strange but every single time I dream of him and he was a good man I have to say. I’m tinkering on the edge of that fine line of getting my crap together or falling back to that mess I was two years ago. Its happened twice now. I think its my body my brain telling me get your freaking crap together. I’m giving you the message. Im warning you fix it now or suffer the consquence and its usually at this point I relax, accept and let go. Stop trying to do it all. I cant. I know that. This time Im finding it a little harder.

I looked it up once. Dreaming of an ex partner. It said that its meaning was to be making the same mistakes. Im doing that.

Husband calls. I don’t like to tell him when I’m like this but he asks again and again like a two year old wanting a chocolate. He knows there is something wrong. I don’t like to worry him. He is to freaking far away to do anything about it but obsesses about it making himself cranky at himself. Besides its my problem not his. To tell you the truth I say I’m not okay I tell him. I miss you. I’m tired but I have slept all night and I’m so freaking cranky. I hate it. I’m so so cranky that you left early. There is silence on the other end. Its a rarity that I tell him that I miss him and tell him that I’m not okay.

I thought I was okay. I thought I had it under control but I haven’t. Its as simple as that.

You know I have been doing this thirteen years. Thirteen freaking years. Why is this crap happening now? Why is my mind starting to falter now. I’m not liking it. Its because you do it all that’s why he says. I love you. Your the best mum and wife in the world. I ignore him. Its easier than crying. You think its hard when they are babies. No give me a house of babies any day. I’m great with babies. I’m the queen that’s one thing I can do. Toddlers preschoolers and kids not so good. All there wants and needs. Its tiring. Its exhausting and frustrating.

Can you start taking those meds again? he asks. Its the only solution he has. I don’t want my mum here again. I don’t need her here again. Its not that bad. I don’t want her telling people I needed her help like I’m an incompetent git.

I don’t want to take them I tell him. I will just suck it up. He has no other solution. He changes the subject. I change it too.

The sun is out today so maybe we will go on a picnic.

xxDeb