‘Just jokes’ she said but it was too late the words had already come out of her mouth. My husband and I looked at each other unsure what to say how to respond to. I thought about the words she had said ‘you will be too busy counting your money and drinking red wine to come’ she was talking about a family function all the while I was looking at her in shock. I chose not to respond. I chose not to look any different like her words hadn’t stung me like a bee going up my nostril it was hard but I think I managed to pull off my indifference to it.
I wondered what I had said to her for her to say that. I in that spilt second tried to run through our entire history of what I had rubbed in her face for those words to have spilled out of her mouth. I couldn’t think of anything. Flaunting or rubbing it in has never been my style. Its rude for one and stuff or money doesn’t make you a person. I stayed quiet making the choice to pretend it hadn’t hurt or make me second guess our relationship. I did however make the choice; those words telling me everything about her and how she felt, made the choice never to tell her anything ‘good’ again as did my husband. Which is a pity because it changes everything; our relationship is different with her, with her husband yet this isn’t an isolated event. A slip of the tongue and nor is it a one off comment. There have been many and not just by her but by others some important people others not.
Initially when these comments started sliding into conversation I would be sad, confused then guilty. I felt guilty that I had these things. That I a good life, that we had a good life. My husband and I are thirty five years old. We have travelled overseas several times. We own several properties, have a little in shares, no money in the bank we are what you call asset rich which let me tell you is not always a good thing. So how she thought we would be sitting around drinking red wine and counting our money is beyond me especially since my husband doesn’t drink at all that should have told me she knew nothing of our story despite our relationship.
Each time this happened, a snide remark presenting its self I feel the need to explain. Like the time a former neighbour said to me why did you need to buy that house soon you will own the whole street. He had found out through the grapevine I assume because it hadn’t come from my mouth and before I knew it I was explaining to him it was for my parents. As an only child I want to be able to provide for them as they did me. I should have said it was none of his business but I felt guilty that I had the good fortune through hard work to have been able to buy it in the first place.
My husband and I we have worked hard and this is our reward. That is the only way this has happened. My husband has worked since he was 11 years old. When I met him he was in the armed services, then the mines then offshore. It took him two years of persistence to get offshore and he works hard for his employer. Their bottom line is what pays his wage and so he is a hard and dedicated worker. Going into offshore didn’t fall in his lap. It took many thousands of our own money for tickets, airfares and training. Me I started running my own cleaning business when I was 13 years old and held three jobs usually consecutively as well as going through to year 12 until I moved to the country when I was 23 years old and started the hour long commute to what was my dream career. Now I have a small online store, shop and I have my blog; which I must add I do for the love because there is no money. Then there is our family our beautiful family. The only thing in my life that is valuable the rest is just stuff.
We don’t believe in luck. I believe in hard work, karma and the law of positive attraction. I don’t ‘rub’ my money or lack of it in anyone’s face. All that we have could be gone tomorrow. Just like anyone. We have worked hard for where we are. We have gone without, made mistakes; big mistakes that almost cost us everything including our marriage and have learnt from them.
People however don’t see that nor do they want to know nor do they care.
I don’t know how to deal with it or them anymore so I dont. It will I don’t think ever go away but I get tired of justify ourselves and I do understand jealousy and I am assuming that is what it is. This continual need to knock someone because I have been there once before so I do understand it’s an emotion that will make life hard for you. Jealousy if that’s what it is will and can make you hateful. It changes things from your relationships with others to what your success will be in life. So true to form of jealousy changing things we keep our good news, our achievements to ourselves and our relationships are different. We continually watch what we say because often we can’t stop these people being in our lives and we don’t want to either. We love them they are our family and our friends.
But I don’t want to self depreciate myself or my husband anymore for what we have and where we are going. I’m more and more proud of where we are, where we have come from yet it feels like the only way we can be friends or have a relationship with these people is if we fall; if we become miserable and if we struggle. Why would you want that for another person?
I often wonder if that’s what they are waiting for. Is that what will make them happy for us?